• Becca Hoselton

Mother's Day and Other Thoughts

Mothers day is on my mind and I sat down to write an entirely different post. I've seen so many "Mother's Day gift ideas" posts and it always brings mixed feelings for me. One because there was a time that I thought I'd never be called mom, and two because my relationship with my own mother is complicated.

When I was newly married and we discussed having kids, my husband and I both agreed that we wanted them to be who and whatever they wanted to be. Sure, we have dreams for them and plans. But we both knew our job as parents was to assist them into becoming the very best version of who they wanted to be. We will push them to better themselves, but within the realm of what they ultimately want for themselves.

My oldest son Maddox is 10. He is and has always been paying attention since the day he was born. He arrived 7 weeks early and spent a painful 30 days in the NICU. When they were rushing him to the NICU they asked if I wanted to give him a kiss. They brought him close, I said, "Hi baby", and he reached his arm to me and the whole room "awww"ed at once. I kissed his little fingers. I cried by his incubator while I read him Peter Pan and other stories every day. We brought him home, and he has always been exactly himself. He just wanted to be held as a baby. He would sit with me for actual hours and have me re-read stories and flash cards until I literally couldn't anymore. He spoke very clearly at a young age and asked questions and shared thoughts that both broke my heart and made me think. He is thoughtful and intuitive. Creative in a mad genius kind of way. Any used container or broken item you have, his twitchy fingers want. He often can't stop talking, but you don't want him to. He's intelligent and insightful and funny. He genuinely wants to solve your problems whether they be emotional or.... a toaster that isn't behaving for you. He's anxious and fearful because he understands things he notices and feels, but he doesn't like to talk about. We are working on these things. He wants you to be proud of him and pleased with him, but he also doesn't want to give up what he believes to get there. He struggles to find that balance. He takes corrections hard and to heart. He feels everything around him. He will literally fix the world one day and I want to do everything I can to help him get there.

My Penny is three. The day she was born they put her on my chest and she held her head up without assistance (honestly it freaked me out) and stared me straight in the eyes the entire time. She is wild. People use that term a lot....but she is wild. When she arrived on the scene, I knew she was the missing element our family needed. She makes us laugh and she will stand off with you any day of the week. She is doing what she wants and she's not super worried what you think about that. We teach her respect and responsibility- things she will need to be a productive member of society of course, but she will ultimately be who she chooses and you are welcome to come along for the ride. Trust me, you want to come along. In contrast to her brother, she is still working on her speech. She can talk, she understands and will follow all your directions, but only recently will she talk when you want her to. She's a mama at heart who cares well for her babies and she doesn't like when I'm crying. "It's ok, you fine mama, It's ok" she tells me when I'm upset. She wants to wear my clothes and sings me Daniel Tiger's sharing song anytime I tell her no. She antagonizes her brother and thinks it's hilarious, but runs to her room and cries if her dad reprimands her. She finds order in everything and if you give her a box full of odds and ends she will make a pattern you never thought could come from a bunch on nonsense. She wants a hug in a tackle you and squeeze you kind of way, but she also wants to hold your hand and walk around the kitchen together. She just wants to have fun. Penny will literally, I mean literally, make this world a brighter place. I don't say that lightly. She has something glowing inside her.

It took four years for me to get pregnant with Maddox. I had two miscarriages in that time. Once I had him, I thought my body had figured things out, but a few months in a pregnancy turned into a miscarriage, then another a few years later, and then a third that honestly still breaks me to think about. Seven years after I had Maddox, God blessed me with my Penny. I spent more hours on my knees begging God for these children than I can count. To say they were wanted is an understatement. I look at them every day and know that they are miracles. This doesn't make me a perfect mom, in fact, some days I'm not even a good mom (I suppose we all have crappy days) but let me tell you, I know these people are the greatest things God will ever have me be responsible for. Why am I writing all this? Honestly, I have no idea. This started off being a toddler tea table, tablecloth tutorial, but here I am, teary eyed at my computer.

At this time, my mom and I aren't speaking. My entire life our relationship has always been... a struggle and right now, not talking is bringing me peace, and I'm ok with that. My dad died two years ago (another complicated relationship) so Mother's and Father's days for me... have a bit of sadness with them. I have friends with parents they love dearly who aren't with us anymore, I can't imagine that pain. I'm sure it's substantial. Maybe you're one of them. If you are, I am so sorry. That is a significant loss and I'm sure these days are hard for you. I know plenty of people who have very complicated feelings about their parents and you know what, that's ok.

Since I began this by accident, I'm not sure how to end this. I suppose with, kids or not, whether you struggled or are still struggling for children (you have my whole heart with you) or maybe, quite honestly, motherhood wasn't really what you wanted, and you're struggling with it right now..... Whether you love your parents, or thoughts of them are painful for whatever reason, I firmly believe we are where we are supposed to be. Even in the struggle. Even when it's painful. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe you have a purpose and story others need to hear. I don't believe we were put here to be alone. I have no answers for all the pain some go through (believe me, I've got questions) but I know we aren't meant to bear it alone. Tell your story, someone needs to hear it. I find healing in telling mine. You don't have to be whole, or perfect, or at the end of your struggles. Someone just needs to know they aren't alone. Mother's Day, or Father's Day, or any other day of the year, I see you. You aren't alone.

4 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All